


I'm going to help you, I promise - Branjie

by lunaprincess97



Category: Branjie - Fandom, RuPaul's Drag Race RPF, rupauls drag race - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, canon adjacent, tw anxiety, tw panic attacks, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-03-19 19:57:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaprincess97/pseuds/lunaprincess97
Summary: This is the same day Brooke opened up about her anxiety with showing her feelings to Ru. Vanjie comes to visit her after because she doesn’t talk the whole van ride home.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The characters are real but the stories obviously aren’t. Pronouns change throughout just cause.  
> TW for panic attacks and self harm.

Vanessa got in for the day, and quickly as she could showered and got in her sweats. Worried sick about Brooke she took no time in sneaking out of her hotel room and round. Luckily by this point security had lessened up, knowing that the girls wouldn’t try anything. As she climbed the stairs she to Brooke’s room above she thought of all the things that could be wrong. Was Brooke breaking it off? She couldn’t be surely, she initiated most of it.

As Vanessa got to Brooke’s door she listened to see if she could hear his familiar snores, not wanting to wake him. What she heard instead was a muffled sob, of someone who clearly doesn’t think there’s anyone nearby but know if they cry too loudly the next room will hear.

Knocking the door quietly Vanessa takes a deep breath. A minute passed, then a few more. Fuck it, she decided, opening the door anyway. What she found broke her heart. Brooke was sitting on the floor at the bottom of her bed in just her underwear clutching a pillow to her chest. Her knees tucked up into her, making the 6ft queen look so small. Her body shook with sobs as she tried to gasp for air. Vanessa tried to open her mouth, to say something to comfort her lover but no words seemed to form and all she could feel was shards of glass stabbing her in the chest.

Choosing actions over words Vanessa slowly sat down next to Brooke, and gently touched her arm to let her know she was there. Brooke instantly flinched, then relaxed as she looked up at who it was. Her face was red and blotchy, her chest rising and falling so fast she could’ve just run a marathon. Vanessa pulled her hand up to her chest and placed it on the cold flesh, “copy me baby.” But the more Brooke tried to breathe the harder it felt. Vanessa gave her time, before moving to sit directly opposite Brooke.

“Look at me.” She said softly, “I know it feels like you can’t breathe, and that this will never end but you’re going to be ok. You strong, amazing, beautiful man Brock. You’ve got this, keep trying for me. In.. and out..” Brooke kept trying, pushing through the burn in her lungs. “Well done baby, keep going.” Vanessa reassured her, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Keep going.” After a few more minutes Brooke was nearly back to her normal state of breathing, and her tears were falling more gently. The sobbing had stopped and they sat in silence.

“Do you want to talk baby, or get into bed?” Brooke nodded. “Both?” She nodded again. Vanessa stood up first, and Brooke followed, pushing herself up way to quickly. The dizziness caused her to grab hold of the smaller boy, “sorry.” Vanessa smiled, glad that words were coming out of her mans mouth, “it’s ok, come on.” Vanessa let him lay down first, then slotted herself around him, pulling his head onto her chest. The arrangement looked cute at the top half of their bodies, but Vanessa’s feet stopped at Brooke’s calf. Still, Brooke was calm.

“What’s happened baby?” Vanessa asked, rubbing circles on his back to remind him that he is looked after and safe. “Panic attack.” “I know that, do you get them normally?” He nodded. “Usually Nina, or Courtney or someone stops them before they get that bad.” Brooke sighs. It breaks Vanessa even more to know that he’s been sat here on his own trying to fight the panic. “Medications in the red bag, always the first one at the top.” He whispered, making Vanessa feel guilty for that not being her first thought. He always has that red fannypack. “I’m so sorry baby I should have thought.” “No no, thank you. I don’t like taking it, makes me sleepy. No one ever stops them like you did then.” He confessed. Brooke feels so much calmer, almost sleepy. Usually Courtney would see him start to panic and quickly give him a pill, which would then make him feel very spaced out. He’d just want to sleep but it wouldn’t come to him, whereas now he could easily drop off in his lovers arms.

Vanessa sighs, and kisses Brooke, more for herself than him. She needed to know that he was ok, and if he’s kissing her then he must be getting back to normal. “Do you want to talk about what caused it?” Brooke dips his head instantly, wanting Vanessa to know everything, but in turn not wanting to burden him or scare him away. “If you want to know.” Brooke says quietly. “Baby I want to know everything about you, the good the bad and the ugly. Although there’s no ugly. But you get my gist.” Brooke chuckles.

“It was a bad day. But it wasn’t. Ru just made me panic earlier. I held it in all day but there’s only so long I can keep it in.” He sighed. “What did he say?” Brooke didn’t realise that Vanjie didn’t see him cry in the work room. “He asked me about my feelings and stuff. I just don’t like letting people in, especially if I know it’s being filmed.” Vanessa smiles at that, “you let me in sometimes.” Brooke sighs, “yeah, it’s cause I love you.” She leans up and kisses her, “I know. I love you too. So why didn’t you say anything? Or take your pills when you got in here.” Fuck, the question Courtney and Nina always ask. ‘Why don’t you take your pills if you know it’s gonna happen?’ Is always Courtney’s response when she sees any new injuries. Well Courtney, Brooke thought, I’d much rather hurt myself than numb it all out. “I usually fix it another way at home.” Brooke sighed. Vanessa furrowed his eyebrows, confused as to why she didn’t fix it this time. “How?” Fuck, Brooke thought, can I trust her? Of course you can stop being stupid. “I usually cut myself.” Vanessa lifts her hand to her mouth, taking in a sharp breath. “Brock what?” Vanessa’s eye’s tear up and she grabs Brooke’s hands, turning her arms over. “Where? Why?”

Vanessa start’s crying properly now, not a sobbing cry, a completely heartbroken quiet cry. “Not my arms, I couldn’t, have people see? No no. It stops the panic. I couldn’t find anything today.” She lifts her hands up and wipes Vanessa’s tears, “don’t cry for me Papi, please.” Vanessa looks up, trying to stop her tears. “I just wish I could help.” “You do help! No one has ever got it to stop like that, if I don’t have my medication or I haven’t hurt myself it just keeps going for hours till I pass out.” Vanessa forces a smile. “I’m never leaving your side then.” “You don’t have to watch me ok?” Brooke says.  
“Brooke Lynn, I will follow you around if it stops you hurting yourself. Can I see? Do I even want to see?” Brooke sighs, “You can, it’s not pretty.” If she doesn’t see she’ll always be curious, and it’s better to see it now that during something more intimate right. Brooke kicks the covers off of herself and sits up on her knees, exposing her thighs to Vanessa, who has never seen them. Brooke always goes behind the screen to pad and then leaves with her tights on covering them. The scars in the low light of Brooke’s room are more shadows, but you can see the individual bumps and the changes in colour from the new ones to the old ones. Vanessa tries not to gasp. “How long?” She asks, “since I was 15” Vanessa clings onto him, burying her head in his neck. “I’m going to help you I promise.” And for the first time, Brooke believes it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N Thank you to everyone who read the first chapter! This one brushes over a lot of time, but that’s because everything is the same as what ‘actually’ happened. In this chapter Vanessa goes home, and I know because it was the top 4 Brooke was going home too but I changed it up a bit to fit the story. Enjoy!

Sinces Brooke’s panic attack she’s been mostly ok, only feeling anxious every now and then. Her panic has stayed away completely, just like Brooke expected it would. Nina hasn’t left her alone since though.The day after her panic attack Nina confronted her in the work room, asking why she’d been crying, saying she could tell from her puffy eyes. Brooke was honest, “I had a panic attack last night.” Nina mentally kicked herself, she should’ve got Brooke to take a pill before she got off the van but she didn’t want to draw attention to her. “How’s your leg? Do you need me to take a look at it?” Nina asked, her usually being the one to fix Brooke’s injuries, adding steri strips and gauze. “I didn’t hurt myself!” Brooke replied proudly. Nina confused, praised her younger friend. It was the first time she’d had an attack on her own and not hurt herself. Of course Brooke couldn’t tell Nina about Vanessa coming to her rescue right now incase the producers heard, but when the season was over she’d fill in her best friend.

Brooke decided that she wasn’t going to rely on Vanessa, that she was going to have to fight the panic on her own and hope she could stop hurting herself. Luckily as she’d been ok she hadn’t needed to do anything. Vanessa was always keeping an eye, but the competition kept her distracted enough to not worry too much about her man. 

When Brooke realised she had to lip sync against Vanessa her heart broke. She was either going home or sending her home and potentially losing her best friend and the man she loved. She didn’t feel any panic in that moment, just complete heart break. She had to distance herself from the situation and just perform as well as she could, pretending it wasn’t Vanessa standing right there. 

It wasn’t until Ru said the words “Brooke Lynn Hytes, shantay you stay.” That Brooke felt the panic, and it came faster than usual. She could feel it rising in her throat. Vanessa, she needed to say bye to Vanessa. Brooke walked over, not fully being able to feel her feet and kissed her favourite person in the world. This couldn't be real. Why would Ru do this to them. It was getting blurry now, she didn’t have any way to calm it. Yvie took Brooke’s hand as Vanessa walked back off the stage and she swears Yvie could probably hear her heart it was beating that fast. “It’s ok Brooke breathe.” She whispered behind Brooke, even though she knew this never helped her so why would it help Brooke. Yvie squeezed her hand, and Brooke turned to her wanting nothing more than the ground to eat her up “I need my meds Yvie.” She said between shallow breaths. As she said this Ru told them they could leave the stage. Brooke tried to look normal as she danced to the music, collapsing onto the floor as soon as she’d walked down the steps.

Not wanting the remaining two dream girls to make a scene Yvie ushered them away, reassuring them that Brooke was fine. Brooke realised at this point that she didn’t want her meds, and she didn’t need her meds. She needed Vanessa. And she didn’t have Vanessa. Yvie tried to stay calm but she needed Nina or Vanessa or someone who knew Brooke. After asking Brooke multiple times where her meds were she decided to talk to a producer as the ballerina became even more distressed. 

“Hey, she needs her medication, do you guys keep that here?” Yvie asked. The guy was less than helpful, telling her that any medication is kept with the queens belongings. Any other time Yvie would’ve fought with him and explained the importance of them knowing about medications queens are taking but she needed Brooke’s medication fast. As Yvie run into the work room she remembered Brooke’s red bag. Usually on Brooke, or with Nina! Surely there was something in there. Yvie opened it and there was multiple bottles in there. She decided to take the whole thing back.

Asking Brooke which one was pointless so she just read them all, most of them said take once a day, one said take three times a day and one said take as and when needed. Hoping this was the right one she popped one into Brooke’s hand. “Come on Brooke take this.” Brooke just cried harder and breathed quicker. Short of force feeding her Yvie was stuck with what to do. She took the pill out of Brooke’s hand and asked her to open her mouth. Admitting defeat with herself Brooke opened her mouth and swallowed the pill.

It was no less than five minutes before Akeria came to see what the hold up was. “Ready to walk yet?” Yvie asked. Brooke nodded, knowing full well the panic attack wasn’t even nearly over. She stumbled up, following Akeria with Yvie supporting her. She just wanted to cut. That’s all.

The van ride was awkward, everyone staying quiet because of Brooke’s state. As soon as they got back Brooke ran to her room, feeling a lot calmer physically but no better in her head. Unlike last time she was upset, this time she was calm enough to get her supplies. She made quick work of removing the blades from her shaver, then wasted no time in destroying her leg. From her knee to her hip on each one were thin angry red lines, some deeper than others as she got more confident in the blade. 

Feeling completely calm Brooke layed out a towel on the bed and slept, not bothering to wait till the cuts had stopped bleeding. She woke up to her alarm at 6 as usual. So glad that she didn’t have to get up for drag race she kept her eyes closed as the sound got louder. After a couple of minutes she decided she needed to pee far more than she wanted to sleep.

As Brooke opened her eyes it dawned on her how badly she’d messed up. Having a blurry memory of the night previous she sighs, having been in this position countless times. The cuts on her leg now all scabbing over apart from the few deeper ones that Nina could hopefully fix. Courtney is going to go mad if she sees this though.

The van is picking them up later today, around 12 so they have time to pack up the hotel room before they pack their stuff up from the work room. After washing her leg and messily wrapping toilet paper around them she gets dressed and decides to stay in the hotel room till it’s time to go, not wanting to face anyone quite yet.

Just as Brooke lays down to sleep a bit more she hears a knock at the door. Confused she answers it before asking, which definitely wasn’t a good idea as Yvie walked straight into her room. “Hi.” Yvie said sheepishly, “how you doing?” Brooke plastered on her usual fake smile “I’m good, how about you?” Yvie raises her eyebrows, not convinced at all “sure?” Brooke nods, “sorry about yesterday, and thank you for helping. I get like that sometimes it’s not cool.” Yvie sighs “It’s ok girl honestly, I have anxiety too. Nothing like that but yeah.” “Well I’m sorry to hear that.” Brooke replies, in her happy peppy voice. 

Yvie outstays her welcome in Brooke’s room, which is fine cause they go home today so Brooke can have all the time she needs on her own. As 12 approaches Yvie suggests that they go down to the van, but decides she needs to pee first. As soon as she walked into the bathroom, she gasped, then turn around walked straight back out. “Brooke are you ok? There’s blood in the bathroom.” Shit shit shit Brooke thought, she didn’t get rid of the towel or blades or anything. “I’m fine, Yvie really. I’ve got this.” Yvie starts to tear up, and hugs Brooke immediately. “I’m always here for you.” She whispers as Brooke tenses around her. “Thanks girl you too.” Brooke replies, pulling away, “lets go!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N The same trigger warnings as before still apply but there is suggestions of sexual assault/abuse in this chapter so if you're triggered by these topics skip ahead.

Brooke packs quicker than the other three queens, trying not to look at Vanessa’s empty station as she does so. She says her quick goodbyes, then as soon as she gets her phone back books her taxi and leaves. Wasting no time she calls her mum to let her know she’s in the top 4. Her contract says not to tell anyone, but Brooke knows her friends, she knows her mum, Nina and Courtney won’t say anything. Her mum screams and congratulates her and Brooke promises to call back as soon as she’s rang her friends.

Nina was first, it had to be. As soon as she called Nina picked up, not even letting it get to the second ring. “YOU’RE IN THE TOP FOUR BROOKE LYNN OH MY GOD!! When can I see you, I miss you, I’m still in LA. I’m coming now, can I come see you now?” Brooke laughed, and it wasn’t fake for the first time since Vanessa left. “I’m in a taxi I’ll come to you, where you at?” Nina gave her the address of the hotel and it wasn’t too far. As she sat in the taxi she pressed down on her legs to feel if the cuts were ok, her black jeans hid the blood but they were wet to the touch. Hopefully Nina could fix them this time.

As soon as Brooke got there Nina screamed, hugged her, then pulled away. Nina grabbed her shoulders and held her at arms length. “Miss Hytes, you are in the top four are you not excited?” Brooke teared up, not out of panic but a mixture of every other emotion. “I am Nina. I’m so excited. It’s just, I sent Jose home last night.” Nina’s face dropped, “I’m so sorry Brock. I didn’t know. Are you ok?” Brooke just shook her head as more silent tears fell. Nina sensing that this wasn’t a panic episode didn’t go into her automatic calm Brooke Lynn mode and just focused on comforting her friend. “Hey, Brooke it’s ok really. Have you spoke to Vanessa?” Brooke sighs, “I will, later. In a minute.” Nina laughs, “later in a minute, so when?” “In a minute. I need your help.”

Nina knows, every time Brooke says “I need your help.” That she’s hurt herself. “Brock how bad?” Brooke looks away, not wanting Nina to see the defeat in her eyes. “This is the worse it’s got.” Nina asks her to take her trousers off, the same ritual as always. She heads over to her suitcase and pulls out the emergency kit she carries just for her best friend. As soon as Nina sees she gasps, which is unusual at this point because she can usually keep her cool. “Brock, you need to take your medication before this happens. It’s too serious now.” Brooke doesn’t reply. Just continues to look at the floor in defeat. “I can’t fix this Brock, there’s no way they’d hold together without stitches. You’ve taken it too far this time.” She still doesn’t say anything, but there’s no way she’s going to the hospital.

As far as Brooke’s doctor is concerned, she has panic attacks because of PTSD, and depression because of that. He is completely unaware of the self harm, and Brooke fully intends to keep it that way. “Brock say something. You need to go to hospital.” “You know I can’t.” Nina throws down the emergency kit she was still clutching onto. “Then I will call you an ambulance to force you there! Put your pants on now and I’ll call an uber. I swear to god Brock.” Nina never, ever gets angry. Brooke immediately starts to panic at the anger directed towards her, she throws on her pants and backs away from Nina. 

“Brooke I’m so sorry.” She whispers. “I just really need you to get help now.” Brooke nods, the panic rising in her throat.

_He’s shouting, his hands on me, sick in my throat, hit after hit, trousers down. ‘You deserve this Brock’._

Trying to fight the memory Brooke falls to the floor, curling herself up into a ball. “No no no no.” She cries, trying to fight it, something, anything to get this out of her head. Nina crouches down beside her and pulls down her chin, putting two of her pills into her mouth. She’s prescribed one but when she has panic attacks like these, when she goes straight from ok to a full panic attack, Nina always gives her more. It can’t do much harm.

Brooke’s medication usually takes 10 minutes, but Nina knows that if she’s having a flashback she’s going to need some more grounding than just her meds. About five minutes in Nina places her cold iced coffee cup on Brooke’s arm and starts talking. “Focus on the cold Brooke, you’re here and I’m here.” Nina reels off her normal speech, anything to distract her best friend. Usually this was Courtney’s job, Courtney did the calming and Nina did the first aid. It was always that way but they were both versatile incase the other wasn’t there. Nina just knew a man being around her was the least helpful thing right now. “He’s not here. It’s just me Andrew.” He sushes his best friend as he starts to relax.

“Sorry Nina.” Brooke says, acting as if this whole thing was his fault when Nina knew what happened and why it did. “Come on you let’s get you fixed.”

Nina rang around different urgent cares in LA till he found one that would take Nashville residents. When they got there the doctor asked for payment before he would see Brooke. Luckily it was quiet so the wait wasn’t going to be too long. “I think you should call Vanjie.” Nina said. Brooke sighed, and without replying clicked on Vanessa’s contact.

Vanessa didn’t answer for a while and Brooke was ready to leave a voicemail just before she picked up. “Brooke Lynn!! Congratulations, you did it! I’m so proud baby. Sorry I didn’t call Silky and Akeria came straight to me and we been celebrating! Come see us, and bring Nina if she still about!” Brooke smiled, he still wants her and that’s all he’s been waiting for. “Ok, I’ll be there in a bit, miss you already!” “Aww I miss you too twinkle toes, now get your ass here and we can properly hook up.” “She wants them cookies!” Akeria shouts in the background. “Me and Nina just got some errands then we’ll be right there ok!” She said before hanging up. Nina raises her eyebrows then laughs. 

The stitches were in, bandages on and Brooke couldn’t wait to see her man. Nina made them go back to the hotel room first so Brooke could change out of her bloody trousers, and they could pick up her red bag and everything else. As soon as they got there Vanessa’s face lit up and Brooke knew they would be ok.

“BROOKE LYNN! I MISSED YOU!” Brooke laughed and hugged the small queen, “It’s hardly been a day Vanj, but I missed you too.” Brooke pulled back from the hug then leant in to kiss Vanessa, letting her lips linger longer than normal but not too long whilst they were in public. Nina screamed, “OH MY GOD IT’S REAL!” The two queens looked up confused, “Who dat?” Vanessa replies, “We thought it was for the cameras.” Akeria added, Silky nodding in the background. Vanessa stood up tall now, “you shady fuckers. Of course it’s real, I love Brock.” She blushed, not having admitted it yet, “Aw I love you too babe.” Brooke said, kissing Vanessa on the forehead. 

The group have a few drinks then head off for dinner. All being shattered they decide to call it a night after. Nina stands up, expecting Brooke to as well, “aren’t you coming back with me?” Brooke stands up and shrugs to Vanessa, knowing she wants her to come back. “Hey you’ve had years with her, let me have her for a night!” Vanessa says, getting a giggle from Akeria and Silky. “Of course Vanjie! Have fun kids, be safe.” Brooke blushes, “Night, Mom!” She says. Nina hugs her goodnight, whispering in her ear as she does “call me if you need me.” Brooke thanks her, then squeals excitedly. She is going to spend the night with the perfection that is Vanessa Vanjie Mateo!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/n Worked on this chapter after the stress of the finale! There’s some pretty detailed smut so if that’s not what you’re into skip this chapter I guess. Enjoy!

As the two queens sat in the uber Brooke realised she still hadn’t rang Courtney. Vanessa was distracted with twitter so she decided to ring her for a quick update. Courtney answered after three rings and screamed. “Haha hi baby!” Brooke said, “I’m top four! Missed you so much but it was amazing. Not sure when I’m coming home but I’m really busy. How are you?” Courtney couldn’t be happier for her best friend, little did Brooke know she was flying out tomorrow. “I’m good Brooke, I’ll see you real soon ok?” Brooke sighed “I really hope so baby. Love you!”

Vanessa turned to Brooke and gave her a peck on the lips, “was that Courtney?” Brooke smiled at this, she listened to her droning on about her life. “Yeah, she’s amazing you’ll love her.” “Of course I will, she loves you so she’s got good taste!” Brooke laughs, for the hundredth time tonight.

As soon as the uber stopped outside Vanessa took Brooke’s hand and they ran inside. They giggled like school girls as Vanessa unlocked the door. Still holding hands she lead Brooke to her bedroom, so excited to do whatever they wanted now they were finally free. They’d talked about their ‘roles’, Brooke explaining that she only tops which was good because Vanessa was happy either way.

Knowing her legs were a train wreck right now Brooke had a plan in her head. She would explore her lovers body, taking only her shirt off. She starts by kissing her hungrily, running her hands all over her body. Vanessa deepens the kiss, exploring Brooke’s mouth with her tongue which gets a moan from the taller man. Not wanting to wait anymore Brooke leans against Vanessa, pushing her to the bed. Their lips parted for a moment as Vanessa layed down. Brooke got a second to look at her man, his lips swollen and face flushed. He noticed how her breathing had completely changed, and her shorts looked even tighter.

Brooke got on the bed, kneeling between Vanessa’s legs. She pulls her thigh up so it’s on her waist, then leans down and starts kissing her neck. She leaves little kisses and bites just under her ear, causing Vanessa to squirm and moan underneath her. Brooke smiles against her, then takes her hand off of the bed, to place it on her lovers growing erection. This is the longest Vanessa has ever been quiet for, Brooke notes as she kisses down to the collar of her shirt. 

Sitting up Brooke pulls her top off to expose her beautifully tanned chest, tattooed perfectly. Brooke bites her lip at the thought of all the things she could do to him. “You’re stunning papi.” He mutters, before starting his trail of kisses. He tries to kiss slowly, but he’s too excited having waited too long for this moment. As he reaches the top of her pants he palms her through her trousers, feeling how hard she’s got, which makes her own member twitch in her pants.

“Can I take them off?” She asks Vanessa, making sure this is completely on her terms. She just nods, too flustered to speak clearly. Brooke takes off her tight shorts, to reveal that she is in a fucking jock strap. Brooke nearly comes undone at the sight, “you are such a tease Jose you know that?” She grinned leaning down to kiss her. Vanessa moans, “you’re the tease, touch me already!” Brooke needs no more encouragement. She takes off her underwear, and moves her head down. Not wanting to wait any longer she takes her dick straight into her mouth, managing to get the whole length in, getting a deep moan from Vanessa “fuck Brock.” She moans as her fingers get tangled up in her hair. 

Brooke starts slowly, dictating the pace she moves her head, till Vanessa bucks her hips hungry for more. She starts to blow her faster now, palming her own dick as it throbs begging for some attention of it’s own. It doesn’t take long till the smaller queen is pulling away, “I’m close I don’t wanna cum yet.” Brooke smiles at this, and moves back up the bed to kiss her, squeezing her ass as she does so. “Have you got lube here papi.” Vanessa giggles and reaches out to her bedside table, opening the draw. There was a half empty box of condoms and some lube, Brooke refused to think about the men who used them.

Wasting no time Brooke lubes up her middle finger, then circles it around Vanessa’s hole. She could already feel how tight it was as she started to slip it inside, feeling Vanessa tense, “relax baby.” Vanessa moans, “but you feel so good.” Brooke hooks her finger round, causing Vanessa to lift her hips off the bed, “there papi?” She smiles, Vanessa nods, definitely right there. After a couple of minutes and a second finger Brooke decides she’s warmed up enough.

Brooke picks out one of Vanessa’s condoms and unzips her jeans, “take your clothes off baby.” Vanessa asks, Brooke rolls her eyes and pulls off her shirt, before leaning down to distract her lover with a kiss. “Sush, hold your leg up.” She asks. After rolling a condom on, she puts some lube on Vanessa, and a bit on herself for good measure. “Ready papi.” Vanessa bites her lip in response and nods. Brooke eases in slowly, wanting to savour every moment till she bottoms out. She takes Vanessa’s leg that she was still holding up and placed in on her shoulder to change the angle.

“Fuck there Brock.” She moaned as Brooke found her spot. Brooke slowed down, pushing in half way then coming out again which caused the smaller boy to moan even more, “fuck me, harder.” She demanded, moving her hips to meet Brooke. Brooke starts pounding her faster now, stopping momentarily each time she hit Vanessa where she likes it. It’s not long before she feels her tense around her dick. “I’m gonna, oh I’m cumming!” Vanessa yells not having any time to warn Brooke and she came all over her chest. The sight made Brooke come undone, and with a couple more thrusts she had filled her lover.

They both stayed like that for a few seconds, coming down from their orgasms. “I’m gonna move you ready?” Brooke asks. “Oh ok.” Vanessa replies with a pouty face, making Brooke laugh. “Yall I’m gonna need a towel or something!” She says to Brooke as she takes off her condom. “Believe it or not Vanj I’ve never been to your apartment, where’s your bathroom?” She asks, Vanessa directs her and Brooke gets a damp towel to clean her off. 

“Come here baby.” Vanessa says as Brooke finishes wiping her up. Brooke moves up the bed and pulls Vanessa into her, who slots her leg in between Brooke’s. “We really just had sex for the first time and you wore your jeans through it. Really queen.” Brooke just laughed in response and kissed her. They laid together for what seemed like seconds before they were both in the most relaxed sleep they’d had in weeks.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning Vanessa woke Brooke up with a coffee and some screaming. Brooke sighed and pulled the covers up over her head, she should have known that Vanessa would be the most irritating morning person ever. “Rise and shine Mary! Nina’s been tryna call, something bout a surprise for yall. And I’m meeting Silky in half an hour so up!” Oh god how did she have so much energy. “Don’t I get a morning kiss first?” She asked, moving the covers down so just her face was exposed. Vanessa smiled and sat next to Brooke planting a peck on her lips. “That’s all for now, wanna shower together?” Brooke did, she really did but she couldn’t get her stitches wet for two weeks so she’d have to take really careful baths, “Not today papi, next time I promise. I better go see Nina and all my clean clothes are with her.” Vanessa rolls her eyes, “ok well I’m gonna hop in, meet for lunch or something yea?” Brooke smiles, glad that Vanessa wasn’t too busy to see her, “of course! Love ya.” “You too, BYE!” She shouted as she walked into the bathroom, “AHH THAT’S HOT!” Brooke just laughed as she collected her top and bag.

She grabbed her phone before calling an uber. As soon as she was in and on her way she checked all the messages, three from Nina and one from Courtney.

Nina 11.15pm: Night Brooke, message me if you need me and have fun! N - xx

Nina 07:03am: Morning sunshine! Got a surprise coming today so don’t come until after 8!

Nina 08:10am: It’s here! If you don’t get your ass out of bed and over here I’ll have to call Vanjie! N - xx

Courtney 08:35am: Can’t wait to catch up, love and miss you! Xxx  
Brooke smiled, she loved her friends. She decided to text Courtney back.

Brooke 09:57am: I miss you too baby! Can’t wait to see you again, still don’t know when I’m back but I really hope it’s soon. Might bring a special someone with me if he’ll come! B - xxx

He can imagine Courtney squealing when she sees that message, her usually being the friend who plays matchmaker. So far in their three year friendship she’s probably been disappointed, Brooke still not having had a single relationship, just little hookups. The uber ride didn’t take long at all, and Brooke couldn’t wait to see what was going on with Nina.

As she knocked on the door she heard giggles coming from inside, what the hell. “Who is it?” Nina shouted, “who do you think bitch?” Brooke replied. Nina opened the door to an empty room, what was going on. It wasn’t till Brooke walked in that a small Courtney jumped out and screamed causing Brooke’s heart to literally jump out of his chest. “COURTNEY!” He screamed, running and hugging her like his life depended on it. “What are you doing here? Oh my god I missed you so much! How are you? You look so well!” 

Courtney was glowing, she was one of the prettiest women, and best drag queens he knew. He really felt conflicted leaving her to go to drag race, knowing how ill she was when he left but she promised him she’d be ok. “I had to see you! What’s been going on? Tell me everything!” Brooke smiled, excited to share everything with his best friend.All three queens sat on the bed and discussed the whole season start to finish. Brooke made sure to add in how Nina did not deserve to go home, but failed to mention anything about Vanessa.

Nina was the one to drop it “Sooo, are you going to tell Courtney about your little romance?” Courtney squealed at this, “explain everything now!” Brooke blushed and dipped her head. “On the show I got really close to Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, Jose. We kissed a lot,” “All the fucking time!” “Yeah thanks Nina, all the time apparently, but yesterday he said he loves me! And erm I stayed there last night.” She squealed again. “Oh my god did you?” Nina asks, causing Brooke to blush even more. “Brooke Lynn Hytes!” They all giggled for a bit and Brooke gushed over Jose.

After a catch up, Nina decided it was time to drop it on Courtney. “Brooke and I needed to talk to you about something serious for a second actually.” She said, making Brooke’s heart drop. “Nina I’m fine.” She said, not wanting Courtney to know, not wanting to disappoint his friend after promising her he’d be fine. “If you don’t tell her I will cause she deserves to know Brock you know that.” He hated when Nina got all serious like this. “Courtney I’m sorry.” Brooke said tearing up. She instinctively scooted over and hugged him, letting him bury his head in her neck. Despite being at least a foot and half taller than her he felt so small. “Tell her about yesterday Brooke she needs to know.” Fuck Nina, Brooke thought, but he knew he needed to confess.

“Courtney I went until the final episode, with only one panic attack. I thought I’d be ok, I didn’t hurt myself that time.” She looked at him with sympathetic eyes and grabbed his hand. “Then on the last day I had to lip sync against him, Jose. It destroyed me Courts. I had the biggest panic attack. One of the girls gave me my meds but it didn’t help. So I did what I always do.” Courtney sighed. Before he went on the show between her and Nina they’d managed to stop him hurting himself for upwards of six months. Usually he was with one or the other and they’d just give him his meds then stay with him till he slept. “Did Nina manage to get it sorted?” She asked, always amazed with how well Nina can tape her up after episodes. Brooke just shook his head, “stitches, 67 of them.” Nina said in between the silence.

The tension could be cut with a knife in here “Brooke you need help.” Courtney said. “I’ve got my medications haven’t I, all 5 of them.” She snapped back at her friend. “Therapy babe. You need to work through your trauma, especially if meds won’t cut it anymore.” Brooke sighs. “I can’t talk about it without having flashbacks and panic attacks it’s just not worth it.” Courtney rubbed her arm reassuringly, “I understand what you’re going through and you know that. They don’t make you talk about it all straight away. It’ll be slow and at your pace but you need help. Please. When you’re in Nashville, please for us Brooke. And for yourself?” Brooke nods, knowing this was a long time coming.


	6. Chapter 6

Nina spent the rest of the morning ringing different therapists in Nashville, making sure that she found one familiar with PTSD and complex trauma. Also making sure that they did skype sessions for when Brooke was out of town. At some point before 12 Vanessa called, asking to meet up for lunch, saying that Silky and Akeria were busy so it’d just be us. Brooke explained the surprise and asked if he could bring Courtney along, which made them both very excited. 

After not so long Nina had found Brooke a therapist who she promised to call when she got back home. Having settled everything Courtney and Brooke head off to lunch, leaving Nina behind who had to do some filming with WOW that afternoon. Courtney grabbed onto Brooke’s hand, excited and nervous to meet the man who is making her best friend so happy.

Vanessa was waiting for them in the restaurant, and squealed as they walked in. “Hey Miss Brooke Lynn! How are you baby?” Brooke smiled, lighting his whole face up, he leaned in and pecked him on the lips “I’m good papi, you missed me this last three hours?” Vanessa laughed “I always miss you twinkle toes.” Courtney just stood there smiling at the exchange before Brooke introduced them. “So Courtney this is Vanessa, and Vanessa this is Courtney, my best friend!” Courtney says hi and hugs Vanessa, clearly nervous. “Call me Vanjie if ya want, I don’t mind. How are you?” Courtney replies in her quiet canadian voice, “I’m good thank you, yourself?” Vanessa smiles, “Aw you’re the cutest little thing! I’m good, I’m good.”

Courtney eases up as they get chatting, it helps that Vanessa is the easiest person to talk to. It doesn’t take long before they’re both ganging up on Brooke. “So Courtney, tell me, how many boyfriends has Brooke Lynn had? And what were they like? And will he mess me around?” Courtney laughs then shrugs at Brooke. “I don’t know if I’m allowed to say.” Brooke smiles “tell her whatever baby I’m an open book with Vanj.” Courtney giggles, “So he’s never had a boyfriend despite my best efforts, any guy he’s hooked up with has been average, nothing like you. And he’ll treat you nicely and if he doesn’t I will be having serious words.” They both laugh at this, before Vanessa gets serious “yall really never had a man huh?” Brooke blushes. “No, not a boyfriend anyway. Hookups, a couple of dates but nope, no boyfriend.” Vanessa smiles and places his hand on Brooke’s arm, “well I guess you do now.” Courtney squeals as they both kiss.

Nina gets back from WOW and meets up with them as they walk around LA, taking it all in. After a while Courtney is obviously struggling to keep up, and Brooke can tell she has a migraine coming. “Courtney baby do you want me to take you back to the hotel?” Brooke asks. She shakes her head, “I’m going back anyway so I can take you.” Nina says, wanting to give Brooke and Vanessa time alone. “I’ll see you tomorrow though promise?” Courtney says, not wanting to spend a day without her best friend while she’s here. “Of course!” Brooke said hugging her, then Nina. Nina did her usual “text me if you need me.” Brooke told them both that she loved them and said her goodbyes. Another night with Vanessa was definitely exciting.

Courtney and Nina left, leaving Vanessa and Brooke in the middle of LA. The sun started to set as they carried on walking hand in hand, stopping far too frequently to make out. As the sun was nearly down Vanessa pulled Brooke in for another kiss, but as she pulled away said “I’m taking you on a date tonight.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N There's more smut in this chapter and there probably will be in the next few, just a warning.

Vanessa walked Brooke round the streets of LA like she knew where she was going, which Brooke soon realised she did not. “You have the worst sense of direction babe, where are we going?” Vanessa sighed, “I wanted to be in charge and do something nice for you but I can’t even find the place I booked a table at.” She stomped her foot on the floor like a toddler, causing Brooke to hold in a laugh. “Hey, just give me the postcode, I can get us there on google maps and then you can be in charge from there ok?” Vanessa sighed in defeat and handed her phone with the address open to Brooke.

Brooke got them there in five minutes, turning off maps as soon as they can see it. “Right you’re in charge now papi.” Vanessa took Brooke’s hand and walked them in, “Table for two booked under the name Mateo please.” She said with her hand now around her mans waist. The waiter lead them to the table, and left them with the menus. As soon as he had gone Brooke grabbed both of Vanessa’s hands “Why did you go for Mateo?” He said trying really hard not to laugh at this point, “shut up, you’ll be a Mateo when I put a ring on it.” Brooke just smiled and shook his head, “You need to be my boyfriend first.” Brooke said turning the moment serious, “Why do you think I brought you here?” She replied, “really? You want to be with this mess of a man?” Vanessa frowned “Don’t put yourself down Brooke. I want you now, and I want you every day. I wanna give you the notebook experience.”

Brooke leaned over and kissed his boyfriend, happy that he was able to call this perfect human his. They ordered their food and wine and laughed and talked about their lives. “So is it just your mom at home?” Vanessa asked, at least an hour into their date. “Yeah, just mom. What about you?” Brooke felt the panic, fuck. “Yeah just my mom, I like it that way though you know!” Brooke smiled, masking her anxiety and the thought of her step dad out of face, “I’m just going to the bathroom one sec!” She said standing up, giving Vanessa a kiss as she walks past.

As soon as Brooke got into the stall she took her meds, hoping Vanessa wouldn’t notice and rang Nina. In true Nina style she picked up straight away “Hi baby what’s up?” Brooke sighed in relief, Nina was here and she’d be fine. “I just needed to talk, I’m on a date but I nearly had an attack. I took my meds but I just need distracting for a sec.” “Oh Brooke, you’ll be ok. Where’s Vanessa?” “She’s at the table, I think it’s ending now. Are you ok, and is Courtney?” Nina probably just got Courtney off to bed and went on netflix, he loves nights in. “She’s good baby, I’m ok just keeping an eye on her. Call me again if you need to ok? You’ve got this.” Brooke smiled, he had got this.

Brooke took one last deep breath and walked back to his date. They didn’t stay much longer, having finished their meal. Vanessa insisted on paying, not allowing Brooke to even split the bill. Brooke wanted to take Vanessa for drinks but she said she was tired so they got an uber back to Vanessa’s. Brooke hoped she just wanted to sleep, knowing Vanessa wouldn’t fall for his trouser on trick again.

As soon as they got in Vanessa offered Brooke a drink, holding up a bottle of wine. Brooke agreed to one glass, not quite wanting the night to end. “So, I know you don’t bottom.” Oh here she goes, Brooke thought, “But I want to be in charge tonight, I won’t touch your booty hole or nothing but like I’m in charge.” Brooke swallowed, feeling both nervous and turned on. She just nodded.

Vanessa took her hand and lead her to her room before taking the wine glass out of her hand and putting it on the bedside table. She pulled Brooke towards her gently, wanting to make this less about being dominating and more about showing her love for her boyfriend. Vanessa placed her arms around Brooke’s neck and leaned up to kiss her, as the taller queen wrapped her arms around her waist. 

Brooke tried to take control of the kiss, exploring Vanessa’s mouth with his tongue. Not having any of it Vanessa bit Brooke’s lip with her teeth, making her moan. Pushing her body up against the taller man she could feel him getting hard. Vanessa broke the kiss taking off Brooke’s shirt. At this point Brooke didn’t know what to do, she took the bandages off yesterday so maybe Vanessa wouldn’t see in the dim light. Plus she was so turned on right now she didn’t even care.

Vanessa dropped to her knees, undoing Brooke’s trousers and pulling them down just far enough so she could get to her goal. She palmed him through his boxers, feeling him get even harder. “Stop, teasing.” Brooke said clenching her mouth. Vanessa could see that not being in control wasn’t normal for Brooke. After a few more seconds she gave him what he wanted, taking his dick out and running his tongue down the length. Vanessa didn’t notice last time quite how big Brooke was, but she managed to get most of him in her mouth. She used her hand to hold the rest of his dick and started to suck, changing rhythm from fast to slow, and back to fast again. As soon as she felt Brooke tense and get close she pulled away, wanting to do so much more with him. 

Taking off her own shirt and trousers, she pushed Brooke back onto the bed. Brooke tensed immediately when Vanessa went to pull his trousers down. Noticing this she decided to take off her underwear and straddle him instead, kissing him gently. She knew he needed more than a fuck tonight, he needed to know that he was loved. Vanessa lubed her hole up and put a condom and lube on Brooke Lynn. She eased him in slowly, having not had a warm up.

Vanessa decided to start of nice and slowly for him, kissing him softly whilst she grinded on top. Brooke moaned into her mouth, telling Vanessa she was ready for more. Vanessa sat up and started to go faster, leaning backwards to hit her where it needed to. Brooke moved her hand up and pumped Vanessa. It didn’t take long till Vanessa was panting and cumming on Brooke’s chest. As she rode out her orgasm moved faster, giving them only a few seconds between cumming. Vanessa leaned down and kissed her boyfriend, “I love you. You’re amazing.” Brooke told her as she pulled away.

After getting then both cleaned up Vanessa came and sat on the bed, Brooke still laying down getting sleepy. “I think we need to talk baby.” Brooke raised his eyebrows questioningly “take your trousers off.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N Trigger warning for sexual abuse and r*pe. 
> 
> We're nearly at the end of this story but I was planning on adding some of Brooke's experiences from before drag race at the end.

Brooke didn’t move, feeling completely frozen. “Vanessa I-” He sighed. “Baby I need to see, please show me what’s happened and explain it all.” Brooke started to tear up, hating how crying was his response to everything. He stood up and took off his trousers to reveal the mess he created less than a week ago. Vanessa gasped. “Sit down.” She said to him, patting to the space on the best next to her. “When did this happen?” Brooke dips her head, “you can trust me, Brock come on.” He swallowed, “night before I came home, the night you, yeah.” Vanessa pulled him into a hug.

“Silky and Akeria said you were upset, I didn’t realise it was this bad.” Vanessa said as she kissed the top of his head. “It’s not just that you left, I thought, well I’d lost you. And I was just anxious and I wasn’t thinking straight.” “I know baby, it’s not your fault. When did you get it stitched?” Brooke’s tears started to slow now, “Nina took me the day after. It’s the first time I ever needed them.” “She’s such a good friend.” Brooke smiled, “Yeah she’s amazing. Between her and Courtney keeping me level headed I hadn’t hurt myself in over 6 months.”

Vanessa started crying, “Brock what happened to make you this hurt and this upset all the time?” It broke Vanessa’s heart to think that someone or something had hurt him so much that he has such severe panic attacks and that he hurt himself this much. “I can’t say it out loud.” Brooke whispered. “Courtney and Nina want me to get therapy but I can’t even think about it without having an attack,” Brooke took a deep breath as she said this, feeling herself panic despite having had her medication not long ago, “Jose I need my medication.” Moving quickly Vanessa grabbed a pill for Brooke and placed it in his mouth, “You’re ok baby breathe for me.” Brooke leaned his head on Vanessa and concentrated on his breathing for a second.

“I want to tell you everything and I want you to know. Even if you just knew the basics it’d help so much with triggers but I just try and say it and I get flashbacks and I can’t stop them playing in my head it’s horrible.” Vanessa rubbed his back trying to comfort him, “Am I likely to do or say any of your triggers?” Brooke nods, “Just today even, it’s not your fault but if you knew.” Vanessa buried her head into Brooke’s shoulder. “When Brooke?” “Just before I went to the bathroom at the restaurant.”

Brooke could tell Vanessa was trying to remember what she said, suddenly she gasped and looked into Brooke’s eyes “Your family.” Brooke nodded. “Do you want to get it all out of the way now?” Vanessa asked, “While you’re a bit calmer I mean?” Brooke nodded again. She had to, Vanessa had to know, and she managed to tell her mom, and Courtney. “My dad left when I was very young and,” She stopped to take a deep breath before telling Vanessa the thing that will probably make him run away, “fuck. My mum she got remarried when I was 11. My step dad he,” Brooke fought the tears back, “it’s ok baby take your time. It’s ok to cry.” Vanessa reassured her as she wiped a fallen tear of her boyfriends face. “He raped me. Almost every day from when I was 12 till I was 15.” 

Brooke’s vision started to cloud now and she knew it was coming. She grabbed tighter onto Vanessa’s hand and pulled her knees up to her chest. “No Brock don’t think no no no.” He pleaded to his brain.

_He’s shouting, his hands on me, sick in my throat, hit after hit, trousers down. ‘You deserve this Brock’._

“Brooke! Brooke Lynn!” Vanessa shook him, and Brooke could hear him. Usually all his hearing was gone. “I’m here baby, I’ve got you and you’re safe. He will never hurt you again. Come back to me come on.” Vanessa kissed his face all over, then down his arm that was still clutching onto her. Brooke fought it and fought it, keeping his breathing to a steady rate. “You’re doing amazing baby, open your eyes.” Brooke opened them, taking in everything around him, surprised that he could see so clearly. “I’m here, it’s ok.” Vanessa said as she grabbed his head and rocked him back and forth. Brooke sobbed now, for what seemed like hours. Vanessa kissed his head and told him she loved him, and why, making sure to explain how perfect and amazing he is. Finally he spoke. “Don’t leave me.” He said in the smallest voice, “Brock, never. I will never leave you. I love you.” He tilted his chin up and stole a kiss.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> This is the last chapter, thank you so much for the positive feedback it means a lot!

Brooke and Vanessa woke up after holding each other all night. They both lay there for a minute, knowing the other was awake, just to enjoy the moment a bit longer. Vanessa knew that Brooke needed to see his friends, and Brooke knew that Vanessa probably should see hers too. Eventually Brooke caved “morning big man.” Vanessa smiled, “I’m shorter than you!” Brooke placed his hand on the side of Vanessa’s face, “I wasn’t talking about your height.” He whispered then kissed her.

Brooke pulled Vanessa further into a hug, so their whole fronts were touching. After a couple of seconds Brooke felt something move against her stomach, “Hmm someone’s happy this morning.” She smirked. Vanessa blushed and rolled over. “Hey come back! I can’t fix your problem from there can I.” She said into her lovers ear. Admitting defeat Vanessa rolled onto her back, and Brooke started to kiss her. She moved down her body, kissing and biting her neck, then slowly past her chest. Vanessa fidgeting the whole time, in need of relief. 

By the time Brooke had reached Vanessa’s dick, she had leaked precum onto her stomach, which Brooke took the time to lick, before kissing the tip of her boyfriend. She took him slowly into her mouth, making sure she savoured every inch. Vanessa moaned as Brooke finally had her all in his mouth, and she couldn’t help but think that this was the best wake up she’d ever had.

 

 

After an amazing morning with Vanessa, they both had breakfast then headed their separate ways. Brooke visited Nina and Courtney, expecting the two to be up and ready. He was greeted by a very stressed and in-half-drag Nina. “I’m going to WOW to film some stuff, Courtney is in bed, she stirs every 10 minutes or so. Please watch her till I’m back I won’t be long!” He said kissing Brooke on the cheek as he left, “Don’t rush I’ll watch her all day!” Brooke shouted. 

She set herself up on the sofa in Nina’s room, about to put on netflix before she heard a small voice come from the other room, “Nina.” Courtney shouted. Brooke dropped everything and ran into her room. “Hey baby girl, no Nina just me. That ok?” She nodded, not opening her eyes. “Oh baby how bad?” Brooke asked, Courtney held up seven fingers. “Did you have medicine yet?” She shook her head, “M cold Brooke.” Brooke tucked the blanket around her before getting her medication and a cold glass of water and a cold flannel. “Courtney baby you need to sit up a second.” She just moaned and turned her head into the pillow, Brooke knew her migraine was bad but this was all that would stop it. 

Brooke sat cross legged on the bed, lifting up the small girl into his lap. “You don’t have to open your eyes just take your tablets that’s all.” He said rubbing her back.” Courtney stood up quickly surprising Brooke. She ran into the bathroom, emptying the tiny contents of her stomach into the toilet. Brooke ran after her to hold her hair, “you good?” She nodded, not having the energy to ask him to leave. Brooke picked her up and took her back to the bed where he resumed their previous position. He held the water up to her mouth, giving her a few mouthfuls before placing the strong painkiller into her mouth. “Here you go baby.” She swallowed them, then collapsed into Brooke. “It’ll pass baby I promise.” He said pressing a kiss to her forehead.

After giving Courtney her medication he got them into the familiar position. Courtney laid down with a flannel on her head, Brooke’s arm around her rubbing her back, the other intermittently on his phone or playing with her hair. Brooke knew he had about an hour of a nap before his best friend was feeling ok enough to wake up. As much as he hated moments like this he was glad he could help, knowing that Courtney usually didn’t want to be around people when she was vulnerable. Nina could help somewhat, but Brooke was the only one who would do this, giving her the comfort and body warmth she needed. 

Brooke took the time to relax as he waited it out, thinking of his oldest memories with Courtney. He first met her at a party three years ago with Nina.

_Brooke was outside with Nina having a cigarette, engaged in an all too familiar argument. “You can’t keep doing that to yourself though Brock. You’re going to cut a vein or an artery or something.” Nina shouted. A drunk Brock only half managed to formulate a response, “well how do I stop it then Andrew? How do I stop thinking about him raping me, every, single, day?” Brooke cried and cried and Nina tried to comfort him but got no where, as usual._

_Courtney came out of the party just as Brooke shouted that, his biggest secret that until then only Nina knew. She walked over, unsure if it was the right thing to do. Nina warned her to go back inside, “I’m finishing my cigarette and I want to help him.” Nina too drunk and annoyed at Brooke thought fuck it, she can try. Courtney sat down with Brooke, who had now curled himself into his usual ball. “It’s Brooke Lynn right? I’m Courtney. I didn’t mean to hear that, what you said to Nina I was just coming for a cigarette.” Brooke didn’t respond, just looked up to the girl who sat by him smoking while he cried. “I know what you’re going through and it’s horrible. I’m sort of, at the end of it now. Because it does end mostly.” Brooke, although over 6 foot, looked up at Courtney as if he was so small, “really?” She nodded. “How?” He asked confused. Courtney gave him her number and made him promise to call in the morning. “We’ll talk tomorrow, start getting things sorted ok?” Brooke nodded, his tears coming to an end._

Brooke was so grateful for this woman, and Nina too of course, but Courtney just knew how to help. She knew everything, how he felt, why he felt it. She’d been through it too, not her step-dad but her ex boyfriend. The girl may have been younger than him but her maturity was years ahead. Courtney went to the doctors with him, got him on a stable set of medications and worked through his self harm with him. Slowly over the years he managed to tell her parts of it, and she knew more than anyone else.

A couple of months after they met Courtney supported Brooke in telling his mum, who felt worse for herself than she did her son. This angered Courtney but she continued to support Brooke. 

When Courtney became ill a year ago Brooke returned the favour, they moved in together and Brooke would help her through each migraine, and help her with the chronic pain and even worse fatigue. In turn Courtney would help him with his panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks, which they both struggled with from time to time. Courtney promised Brooke faithfully that she would be ok when he went on drag race, that she would go home to her parents if she needed too and Brooke promised Courtney that he’d be ok. He broke his promise but he hoped so badly she didn’t break hers.

After about 45 minutes the small girl started to stir. “Hey baby.” He whispered, “Any better?” She smiled, “Much, thank you.” She snuggled into his chest taking in the warmth, “so cold still.” Brooke laughed, of course the Canadian Courtney in a country at least three times warmer than her own was cold. “Do you want a bed day?” He asked her, “No no, you go out and see your friends I’ll be fine.” Brooke frowned. “If you think for one minute I’m leaving you while you’re this unwell then you know nothing about me missy. I’m staying to look after you.” She smiled, happy to have her friend back.

The two stayed in bed most of the day, watching different shows and chatting about everything as usual. Courtney wanted the low down on Vanessa which Brooke was more than happy to explain, “Oh he’s amazing!” He gushed. “He’s funny and kind and attractive and really good in bed!” Courtney laughed, “I’m so glad you found someone! And the fact that he treats you so well is a definite win.” Brooke smiled, “it really is. He knows about it, you know, and he’s seen and he takes it in his stride. He really is wonderful.” Courtney snuggled back into Brooke, probably to fall asleep again, “He can’t be replacing me though, I’m the crazy best friend ok?” Brooke kissed her forehead, “No one could ever replace you baby.”

Brooke definitely felt protective of Courtney, even though she was the one looking after him so many times. He knew how much of a front she put up and so he always made sure he was available if she needed him. Nina called some time later, saying he’d be back at 6. Brooke called Vanessa over and they all had takeaway, and Brooke felt whole for the first time in years. This was his family, he could choose it and he did. He knew then that he would be ok, so long as he worked hard. The night ended with this all being retold to Vanessa, as they snuggled into each other to sleep, each saying “I love you’s.” And promises, Vanessa’s promise always being there “I am going to help you, I promise.”


	10. Nina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N All the chapters from now on are stories from before 'I'm going to help you, I promise'. I wanted to include some background to give more context. Enjoy!

Nina and Brooke had been performing together for some time, working at the same club pretty much every night. Nina always got ready at the club, but with her and Brooke being the only two queens on consistently it got lonely. Brooke always got ready at home. The two would chat for a bit before a show, but generally one was on while the other had an outfit change.   
Today Brooke came it a lot more disorientated than normal. Nina had noticed before when the queen was upset, but she obviously tried to hide it so she never questioned not wanting it to become awkward between them. Today Nina felt like she had to say something, even just acknowledging it. 

Brooke sat in front of the mirror touching up her makeup before she went on, clearly not mentally in the room. “Hey Brooke.” Nina said approaching her station, Brooke didn’t respond for a few seconds so Nina placed her hand on her back to get her attention. The tall queen immediately tensed “Oh hi Nina.” She replied, visibly uncomfortable and now tearing up. “You ok, you don’t look so good?” Nina asked, having now pulled up a chair to come and sit with her. “I’m fine, you?” Brooke replied blinking away the tears, “What’s wrong?” Brooke shook her head, closing her eyes so none of her tears could escape. 

Maybe if she closed her eyes long enough Nina would go away, and the panic in her throat would go away and she would be ok. Brooke knew this was a delusional thought, and knew that the only thing that would stop her feeling like this she hadn’t done yet today. “Tell them I’ll be out in a sec.” She told Nina as she ran into the bathroom, bag in hand.

Brooke had never self harmed like this, at the venue of her gig. Usually she would before hand if she was feeling anxious but she’d never left it till the last minute. She was fine till she overheard a conversation in the shop on her way here, being triggered by one word itself. The window of time in which she could stop the panic with self harm was small so she had to act fast.

Not concentrating Brooke went way deeper than she intended. She’d gone this deep before but that was usually at home, where she had time to sort it out. Here she had no first aid and she had to be on stage in a couple of minutes. She applied pressure to the injuries on her thighs using tissue hoping by some miracle they’d stop bleeding before she was called on.

After a few minutes of frantically trying to get the bleeding to stop Nina came into the bathroom, “Brooke are you in there?” “Y-yeah.” She replied shakily. “They said you’re on in five, I can go on first if you want?” Brooke closed her eyes trying to stay calm, “I’m sick Nina I think I need to go.” Brooke lied. Nina knew this was a lie, Brooke performed with the flu before, throwing up between sets. “What’s wrong?” Nina asked her, moving closer towards the stall. “I’m just sick.” Nina sighed, “Open the door Brooke.” “No.” Brooke said firmly. “Why not?” She started crying now, why did she have to be like this. “I can hear you crying just open the door.” Nina said softer this time. “I can’t.” Brooke whispered. “Why?” Nina asked again. “I, I did something stupid.” Brooke sobbed.

They sat there for a few minutes, eventually Nina got to the point “If you don’t let me in there Brooke I am going to go and get the manager to unlock the door.” Brooke didn’t reply, she just clicked open the lock. Nina looked in horrified at the sight. Brooke sat on the floor, tissue covered in blood over flowed the toilet and her hands were pressed to her legs where more tissue was sandwiched. “Brooke what have you done?” She gasped. “I can’t cope Nina the anxiety it’s too much.” She cried, wanting to kick herself for opening up, something she hadn’t ever done. 

“You did this all to yourself?” Brooke nodded. She expected Nina to run away, call her a freak but she didn’t. She put her hand onto Brookes back, as the other lifted the tissue off. “I’ll be right back I promise, 10 minutes tops. Tell them you’re being sick if they come in ok?” Brooke nodded. Nina left and she locked the door behind her.

Nina wasn’t gone long, having only run a block away to get some first aid supplies. “They’re asking for me on stage so I’ve got to be quick but we’ll talk later I promise.” Nina said as she ran into the bathroom to help Brooke. She took off the tissue, and got to work. She cleaned them, noticing that Brooke didn’t even flinch as she did this. Nina wasn’t really sure what to do but she gathered the basics, hold the cut together and put on the strips. After she’d gone over them all she placed gauze down and wrapped them in ace bandage. “I’ve got to perform, go home and get some rest.” Brooke shook her head. “Thank you Nina, really. I need to sort my makeup out and get on stage.” Nina rolled her eyes, of course she wanted to perform.


	11. Courtney

Courtney is Brooke’s best friend and one of the only people he feels completely comfortable around. They met three years before drag race, when Brooke was definitely at his worst. For years he’d managed to hide his pain with a mixture of alcohol, self harm, smoking and emotionless sex. Having masked it for years the anxiety was starting to get unmanageable. His friend Nina who he had met a couple of years prior was running out of options. He pled regularly with Brooke, asking him to see a doctor or to reconnect with his mom to see if she could help.

After a few weeks of Brooke consistently self harming, Nina was checking him every night. They had the night off because the club was being used for a tour gig of a drag race girl so Nina decided they should go to a party with a few of their friends. Brooke, knowing she could get drunk no questions asked was up for it.

As soon as they got to the party Brooke started drinking, trying to get from 0-100 as fast as she could. Deciding early on she wasn’t going to hook up with anyone she just stayed around Nina, which worked for about an hour till Nina found some trade. Brooke carried on dancing, knowing some of the people around her. It wasn’t till someone came over and tried to kiss her that she decided it was time for a cigarette.

She excused herself to smoke, only getting in a couple of drags before the guy came outside. Too drunk to have an intelligent conversation she just said “I’ve got a boyfriend.” The guy pushed himself against her and started to kiss her again, “That’s never stopped me before.” 

Brooke instantly panicked, she kicked him in the shin and started running “Could’ve just said no!” The guy shouted after her, as she ran back into the house. She looked around for Nina, but found no luck. Her panic attack was imminent now, and she needed to act fast. When she got to the bathroom she searched through the cupboards, till she found a box of single blades used for old fashioned reusable razors. Being too drunk to be careful she hacked away at her leg going much deeper than she wanted to.

The panic had settled for now, and she went into autopilot applying pressure with tissue. Not caring about returning to the party she stayed there for what seemed like hours trying to get the cuts to stop bleeding, which they obviously weren’t going to. After a while Nina came looking for her to tell her she was going. She searched the whole house, trying the toilet last. Instead of bothering to shout through Brooke just let her in. She’d seen so many times there was no point in hiding it anymore.

Nina rolled her eyes, “For fuck sake Brock I was right there. You promised you’d get me if you needed me.” Brooke just shrugged her shoulders, unable to formulate an excuse. Nina took the bandages, gauze and steri strips out of her bag that she always carried for Brooke and wrapped her up. When she was done she held her hand out to Brooke to help her up.

“Thanks.” Brooke said, feeling both embarrassed and fed up of the situation. “You can go with your man now.” Nina shook her head, “Let’s go for a cigarette first.”

Brooke went outside, and offered Nina a cigarette which he took. He didn’t usually smoke but somehow being around Brooke he always needed something to calm him down. “Why did you do it?” Nina asked. “A guy, pushed me up against the wall and it made me panic.” Brooke said looking down. “You can’t keep doing that to yourself though Brock. You’re going to cut a vein or an artery or something.” Nina shouted. A drunk Brock only half managed to respond, “well how do I stop it then Andrew? How do I stop thinking about him raping me, every, single, day?” Brooke started crying and Nina tried to comfort him but got no where, as usual.

Courtney came out of the party just as Brooke shouted that, his biggest secret that until then only Nina knew. She walked over, unsure if it was the right thing to do. Nina warned her to go back inside, “I’m finishing my cigarette and I want to help him.” Nina too drunk and annoyed at Brooke thought fuck it, she can try. Courtney sat down with Brooke, who had now curled himself into his usual ball. “It’s Brooke Lynn right? I’m Courtney. I didn’t mean to hear that, what you said to Nina I was just coming for a cigarette.” Brooke didn’t respond, just looked up to the girl who sat by him smoking while he cried. “I know what you’re going through and it’s horrible. I’m sort of, at the end of it now. Because it does end mostly.” Brooke, although over 6 foot, looked up at Courtney as if he was so small, “really?” She nodded. “How?” He asked confused. Courtney gave him her number and made him promise to call in the morning. “We’ll talk tomorrow, start getting things sorted ok?” Brooke nodded, his tears coming to an end. 

 

The next day Brooke did as he promised, and he called the girl unsure of what to expect. They both agreed to meet for lunch and talk. Having run away from the day he turned 16, and hiding secret till he met Nina he was really apprehensive.

Brook got their first and found a table. Courtney came not long after, she was tiny compared to Brooke so when he hugged her she had to stand on her toes. Brooke got them both drinks and they sat down to talk, instantly Brooke realised how calm he felt around the girl, and how well she listened. 

“So you weren’t in a good place last night right?” Brook nodded, sipping on her coke, “I was doing better when you came out, I had a panic attack before that.” Courtney frowned “I’m sorry you had to deal with that, does it happen often?” Brooke smiled, “don’t be sorry, it can’t be helped. I have them all the time, it used to be every now and then, but recently it’s coming up to every day. Nina used to be able to calm me but now if I can’t stop them I black out.” Courtney reached out and held his hand, “I completely get that Brooke. Before I went on medication I had panic attacks every time I tried to leave me house.” Brooke sighed, “I’m sorry baby, you said you went through a similar thing, do you mind me asking what?” Courtney shook her head, and got into her story.

“When I was 15 I was raped by my boyfriend.” Brooke felt his breath get caught in his throat at the word, “I’m so sorry Courtney.” He said rubbing his fingers over her knuckles to comfort her, “It’s ok, I’m doing good now, I’m 28, my medication helps with the anxiety and depression that followed and I had therapy for years.” Brooke smiled, Courtney was the only proof he’d seen that he could come back from this, “so we will fix you Brooke.” He smiled, trusting her.


	12. Mom

Brooke met Courtney a few months ago and they did everything together, they spent most days in the house eating and watching netflix. Courtney had started working in the same club as Brooke and Nina, and these days Brooke got ready at the club. They’d usually head over before dinner and get into drag.

Brooke had told Courtney almost everything by this point, she knew about who hurt her, how old she was, how she ran away from home on her 16th birthday. Courtney had helped Brooke get sorted with medications too so her anxiety was a bit better managed. She’d started on some anti-depressants that help anxiety at first, and then some emergency medication for when the panic attacks got bad. Brooke still refused to have therapy though, which Courtney kept pushing for. As well as this Courtney wouldn’t leave Brooke alone when it came to her mom.

Brooke’s excuse for not keeping in contact with her mom was that she wouldn’t believe him, and that she’d hate him for being gay. The more they discussed it though, the closer Brooke came to giving in. One day when they were out for lunch Brooke seemed very distracted, Courtney kept asking him what was wrong, guessing different things. “Have you relapsed?” She asked, the queen having gone just over a month self harm free, Brooke shook her head. “Have you fell out with Nina?” She shook her head again. “Have I don’t something?” She shook her head for the third time. Brooke sighed, “I’ll show you Court.”

_To: j.hayhoe@outlook.com  
From: brock.hayhoe@gmail.com_

_Hey Mom,_

_I don’t know if this is the right email, and if it is if this will go into your inbox or junk but I had no other way of contacting. I have so much to say and I wanted to get it all out now because after it you probably won’t want to see me again. If I don’t tell you and we do meet up, then you find out and disappear it’s not fair on either of us._

_Firstly, I am so sorry for running away. I know I left a note but it was very vague. I had to leave, but we’ll get onto that in a bit. After I left I slept on friends couches till I got a job at a gas station. It brought in enough money after a few months for me to rent a place of my own but I was living cheque to cheque. I decided I couldn’t live like that so I tried something a bit out of the box. One of the friends I met and stayed with for a bit was a drag queen so I thought I’d try it out. Turns out I loved it. I got into a famous ballet show and toured the world as a drag ballet dancer. Since I finished that I’ve been working in clubs and I’m actually quite successful. So that’s what I do these days._

_As you can probably piece together, I’m gay. It’s something I’ve known since I was about 13. I never wanted to tell you because I knew your views and I couldn’t risk being kicked out. I tried to change for you mom, I tried so hard but it’s who I am. This is part of the reason I had to leave and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner._

_The only reason I am even trying to contact you is because of my best friend, Courtney. She’s been helping through some stuff and she thinks if I tell you we can have some sort of relationship which she thinks will be good for me._

_Recently Courtney and I have been going to a lot of appointments, and I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ptsd. I’ve been having panic attacks almost daily but with the new medication we’re hoping they’ll calm down, it’s starting to affect my work now which is obviously a big deal to me._

_The reason I have ptsd is because I am a rape victim. It’s the reason I had to leave home as soon as I could because I couldn’t endure it another day. The first time it happened I was 12, and the last time was the day before I left. There were hundreds in between. I know you’re probably so confused, because all I saw that frequently was you and your husband but I think there’s your answer as to who it was._

_I love you so much Mom and I didn’t want to hurt you, so I made sure you didn’t have to make a choice. As long as you’re happy with him I would never expect you to leave. I just wanted you to know everything so you had answers because I’m sure you were looking for some. I hope everyone at home is well. I won’t contact any of them if you don’t want me too, I fully understand._

_Please reply just to let me know you’ve got my email. You don’t have to say anything else or ever talk to me again if you don’t want to I understand._

_All my love, Brock. X_

Courntey read the whole email as quickly as she could then got up to hug Brooke. “I am so proud of you.” She said pulling back and holding on to both of his hands. “Does it read ok?” Brooke asked, “It’s amazing, says everything you needed to and I’m sure she’ll reply soon!”

The two spent the rest of the day doing as much as possible. Courtney made it her mission to distract Brooke which worked great until they decided to go to the cinema. They waited in line after getting their tickets and a man walked past Brooke, knocking into him and brushing his hand on Brooke accidently as he walked past. Sometimes Brooke was ok with these situations but he was already tetchy from the email. 

As soon as the man left Courtney realised what was about to happen. Making sure not to startle Brooke she took her hand and led her outside. “I’m fine... I’m fine..” Brooke said, unsure if she was reassuring herself or her best friend. “If you’re fine we can go back in but let’s give it five and see.” Courtney demanded. 

About a minute into being outside Brooke’s breathing started to increase and a panic attack was definitely imminent. “Hey lets have some meds yeah?” Courtney said, Brooke pleaded with her eyes, hating the feeling it gave her. If it was down to Brooke she’d hurt herself to stop them. Courtney ignored the look and took a pill out of her bag. She held it up to Brooke’s mouth, giving Brooke little option but to swallow it. 

They stayed there for 10 minutes roughly, till the pills had kicked in. “Do you want to go home?” Courtney asked him, running her hand up and down his forearm to comfort him. “I don’t want you to miss the movie.” Brooke said standing up. “That’s not what I asked, home?” Brooke nodded, trying not to cry. She’d gotten really good at not crying recently.  
On the way home Brooke’s phone went off, expecting it to be Nina or instagram she ignored it before remembering the email. She quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and it was her email that went off. Trying to hard to keep her expectations low she opened the browser. As soon as she saw it was her Mom she locked her phone, Courtney bit her lip anxiously. “I can’t read it.” She said, nervous.” Courtney took his hand, “Do you want me to?” She nodded. “Ready?” Brooke smiled, the fact that she replied was good enough for her.

Courtney cleared her throat and started to read: 

_“To: brock.hayhoe@gmail.com  
From: j.hayhoe@outlook.com_

_Brock I have so many words to say. You have no idea how happy I am hearing from you, I’ve missed you more than you could ever believe. I wish you left a number so I could ring because I can’t put my thoughts into written words._

_As happy as I am to hear from you I’m completely broken hearing the reasons why. I’m so sorry that you thought I wouldn’t accept you. I may not agree with being gay but I would never ever reject you for it. You’re my baby and it’s not what I want for you but if it’s how you feel of course I accept you. And the drag queen stuff, everything. I love you no matter what, always._

_I don’t know what to say about the reason you left. I am just so sorry, if I’d have known I’d have left him, gone to the police. I need you to know that. I didn’t know and I’m so sorry that I didn’t. You’re so strong and I’m so proud of you for telling me. I left him a couple of years ago, he was very abusive to me behind closed doors Brock. I want you to know that I believe you, I know what he’s like. He’s long gone and I hope that makes you feel safer._

_I want to meet you now, see what you’re like and I hope we can get close again. You mean the world to me and I really hope I can make things better._

_Love of love, Mom"_

Brock cried, happy tears, overwhelmed tears and sad tears. Courtney put her arm around the taller man and he leaned his head on her shoulder. “I can’t believe it.” He said, “I’m going to see my mum again.”


End file.
